I have a Death wish

I like to say that the bravest people are those who commit suicide,
I guess that makes me a coward
’cause I can’t master the courage to face death by my own hand
Indeed I’ve had disturbing graphics in my head,
Having myself dangling from a tree
A rope around my neck holding a flightless being offering himself before the heavens
Before mother earth opens up for her son
But the thought of shitting myself doesn’t excite at all
so I have to pass this dishonorable death.
Maybe I should throw myself on the road and let a passing truck be my butcher
But that’ll be too painful
Dyeing like a roach flattened on the kitchen wall by a slipper?
I can hear the driver hooting endlessly
As if giving me one last chance to reconsider my fate
Adamant to his mercy; four, three, barely two… Impact!!!
I see my flesh being peeled off the tarmac
The driver scrubbing chunks of meat off his tyres
Minced meat for a burial! Too disgraceful
You might think of advicing me on poison
Thank you but if I needed help with that I’d consult the rat nation.
Your reccomendation isn’t sidelined though, chances of survival being high removes it from my list
The frame of a pregnant woman freaks me out,
I just can’t see myself with a bloated stomach
I know the doctors will have pipes bored into my tummy,
they should say hello to my burnt liver
It must not have been easy drenching all that liquor.
You live every day and you only die once
that’s why your grand finale will be so worked up
Some of you’ll have coffins cosier than your beds
The idea of having a bullet in my head,
though farfetched – cause I don’t know where I’d get a gun, let alone cork it –
It would be an honor to experience Hitler’s way to death
Jumping from skyscrapers are for the desperate, that’s what I say to myself
When in truth, I know the friction with gravity will kill me before I touch ground
And worse I fear maiming myself into a more miserable life
I desire not broken limbs and oozing abdominals,
I could electrocute myself, a toast for my coffin
I could slice my wrist and bleed to death
I could drown myself in a lake
I’ll do anything to die
But what I wish for is to die in my sleep and that’s the best that I can hope for.
The opposite of depression is elevation,
But what if the only way to elevate myself to His Grace is by letting this depression take its toll
When the voices in my head start talking and their intolerable laughs itch my head,
My thoughts are thrown into suicidal tantrums.
I feed from the darkness
I’m unable to speak of a horizon for there’s no light
You watch as I descend into the abyss
I did not dig my grave and will not dig it
It is you who dug my grave and will dig it
At the end of my demise
You will say ,’He fought well, He finished the race and kept the faith.’
But in reality,
The battle was well fought but lost
The race was a heat but was never competed
The faith was lost and was never restored.