Misfit poetry

There is something unexplained about happiness
something intricate, and moreso confusing

Sometimes, when you’re sad yourself,
seeing other people happy only rubs the reality
of how unhappy you are in your face

you look at the happy people around you
with an expression of sadness, well-wishing, envy,
and guilt that you can’t just be happy for them,
all wrapped into one

you, yourself only want to be happy
and when it finally happens,
you’ve never been more afraid,
terrified

you can’t just accept it
can’t stop dreading the eventual loss
and the fear that you’ll never be enough.

~Misfit ~

People who have been through hell and survived it
People that can get up many times over when pushed down,
People like me,,, are scary
because no one can heal the wounds they have.

They have been hurt before,
and the pain in their eyes is haunting
they are survivors, and are not scared of being hurt again
because they know they will go through it
They have no other option

because they never give up, they continue reaching for things
that are out of their reach
The pain and raw determination in them
becomes too hard for others to handle.

People like me, are like fire;
uncontrolled,
destroying everything in their path.

~Misfit~

God
I want a break
I need to rest from fighting through life non-stop
as if it were a never ending battle.

I’m living outside my head

or is it my mind living outside of me?

I no longer know what is happening to me

and I’m afraid that one day
I’ll get too far outside of myself,
that I won’t be able to find my way back.

I was paddling in the shallow waters,
now, I’m barely keeping my head above water
as my feet struggle to reach the ground

and the truth is,
I feel beyond sad

I feel lost.
empty.
numb.

~Misfit ~

Choices have consequences
I had chosen them as my friends
knowing too well the difference between us
The social class, education and popularity
I had outdone myself in chasing this as my circle

They were perfect. Socially acceptable
Being friends with them gave me a sick feeling of inadequacy
a feeling of guilt, shame and worthlessness
I was like a thief, sharing the same space with these people of perfection

With them, I always had to blend in the background
making sure not to be seen,
Couldn’t risk being noticed and damaging the reputation
I had to live in fear

I became a shadow of them
Became invisible
but I knew I couldn’t be invisible forever
I couldn’t only live in the shadows so long before they ate at me.

~Misfit ~

“-loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern era, so full of freedom, independence and our own egoistical selves.”

My feelings are screwing with my head,
I know I can’t fight my own feelings
despite how destructive I know they can be
so I melt into your touch and soak into your scent.

I love you and I’m convinced that
no one can love me better than you,
I can’t let go even if you make me sad,
You’re the only person that has ever made me happy

you don’t love me, I know
but that doesn’t faze me,
I’ve found out alot about you
and it has caused me untold pain

You’re not the person I thought I knew
I now know you’re a player. a cheat. a liar.
finding out your truth has hurt
and shattered the illusion I had of you
and though that knowledge hurts me,
I wouldn’t give it up now
not even yo be rid of the pain.

~Misfit ~

On the night of Good Friday Eve 2021, a dark shadow claimed your shadow grandma. God called out your soul and you had to let go. I force myself into believing it was a kindness, a necessary evil to take the cup of suffering away from you. For the three times I called to see how you were fairing on you couldn’t talk or I could hardly hear your voice; Mama and Grandpa said that you could neither stomach anything nor move from where you laid. Now your body is pale and cold, lifeless in a casket. The whole plot to your last breath was painful. I asked you to hold on a little longer, I wanted to see you and I promised to but the devil on my shoulder made me hesitate and I never showed up. I broke that promise and now memories are breaking me.
You are now a memory stuck in my mind, I pray that your picture may never fade and your voice not be foreign, I will never forget you. I know that you don’t know this, that your grandson is a sad poet, a storyteller who vibes to the poetry of the earth. I hadn’t thought of ever writing your eulogy but I will write one feeling broken, empty and defeated. I’ll tell your story. I wish you could read this and if not so maybe Grandpa will help you. In the modern world they’d call you semi-illiterate just because you didn’t school enough but I’ll say that your arithmetic game was strong and that for many you were a book keeper. Intelligence is drawn from the mother and I got mine from my Mama who definitely got hers from you and Grandpa (one plus one equals to one and that is what you two are). Both of you were there for us in the darkest of days, when I was too young to understand the patterns of life, when family had forsaken us into oblivion and I had confused God’s silence with God’s absence and for that I’ll always be grateful. Then will come the nostalgia, I’ll smile at the times when you were drunk when we visited and you’d try to cover up, which you sometimes did terribly. Or when you’d keep on talking and we didn’t know when you’d stop. Someone would say you had a drinking problem but I’d say that you made merry while you could because life is short. Well, you did make the best african beer, I’d always be off my head but I’d be always on my feet though I did struggle. You would insist on my brother and I staying but you know we get into minor fights for no reason at all but I think I get my temper from Grandpa. Sorry for the laziness but we sure had an appetite for food.
It is said that he who cannot accept death, cannot accept life.Grandpa says that it is what it is and what has happened is all done, that we should let you go for that’s everyone’s way, you just went ahead of us. He’s right though.  You’ve seen me grow into a man, I would have wanted you to see me graduate, become a young dealer, maybe marry and have a couple of great grandchildren for you, change the community for the better and much more but… you .. you’re gone too soon. You are now a story.
I love you Grandma, we love you Grandma. Your clock stopped ticking but somewhere else you gave chance to another heart to beat. I write with eyebags heavy from being sleepless but I will be okay. Goodbye “Tata” (Grandma).


Yours at heart,
Grandson Urban.

The way you love me you gotta be out of your mind,
The way you f*#ck me you gotta be out of your mind,
You look at me like I’m really one of a kind,
Is something wrong with your eyes,
Are you blind? Are you high?

Flaws and all,
You took me in with my flaws and all,
You gave me something to call a home

This is a dream I can’t be living it,
Is this a prank, somebody filming this?
Is your head fine, don’t feel no dizziness?
You telling me not even just a little bit?
24 carat p**#sy you make me rich,
24 carat p**#sy I had to lick,
24/7 I’m on your insta pics,
Who do you work for, who put you upto this?
You laughed at my jokes three times in a row
I pray for you lol,
I pray for the times that it took you to write me a poem,
And what do you see, tell me what you know
You know the sun owes you just for the way that you go,
The air owes you for letting it in your nose,
The sand owes you for letting it touch your toes,
And I owe you everything for just touching your toes

The way you love me you gotta be out of your mind,
The way you f**#k me you gotta be out of your mind,
You look at me like I’m really one of a kind,
Is something wrong with your eyes?
Are you blind?Are you high?

You took me in with my flaws and all,
You gave me something to call a home.

~Nasty C Flaws & All (From lost files)

Someone said that nothing good happens after 2am,
I guess he was right about the after midnight,
My mind starts playing games
I’ve played for a long time but I still don’t know how to play,
I can’t wait for dawn for a time out
But now I have to play hide and seek with answers,
In a circle of questions
Who? Where? Why?
Him or her? Me or them? Is there a we or us?
Caught up in between these rhetorics are bouts of nostalgia,
Some are vivid while others are blocked with your foggy memory.
These commercial breaks of flashbacks are quite expensive
’cause they cost you your sleep,
Poor me, wall Street is booming with business
But here I am with no clue of Nairobi stock exchange,
It’s been eternity since I met a folk who say ‘keep change’
Hand to mouth, surviving yesterday and worry of tomorrow
You’re attractive to girls but you are not handsome,
Reason for even though she loves you you’re so insecure
A bloke like you being broke.
The Earth rotates but the world is still,
In the beginning, the earth was formless and desolate
It’s empty for us all, just you and yourself
Imma drink my sorrows with gin and tonic water,
Drinks on the house to we who talk to our alcohol
The blanket isn’t warm enough so I will call her for a fuck,
Don’t look at me with those eyes when you scroll through pornhub and yeah
You wank between your sheets,
They say that a sailor knows his waters, trust me when I say her thighs are magical.
It takes just one glitch for the nostalgia to be interrupted,
All happiness sinks, sad resurfaces
We’re back in the circle game feeling lost,
Fear of the known and unknown,
The subscription to the circle continues,,,
It’s me against the world
I try to understand things but nothing falls into place,
5 seconds of thought turned into sad nigga hours
I wait to rise with the sun but to where am I going?
Imma finish this last blunt and put my pen down,
I pray the puffs of smoke raised my troubles to the heavens,
Special thanks to the whiskey and ice for clearing the entanglement in my head,
Tommorow isn’t promised but it shall come for me and we will play,
Moments of melancholy I await.

I’m awfully quiet of late,
Perhaps they assume I have nothing to say
But I prefer actions to words these days.
They save time.
People have always considered me as a nobody,
The dark shadows lurking behind the lockers,
I know I’m a bad person
But that’s not reason enough to see me differently,
That’s what everyone has done my whole life
I don’t need it from anyone else
I’m trying to change, but it’s not easy,
Trying to control things that are beyond me.
I’m pushing myself too far
Hoping that I don’t break myself again,
I hope this new path takes me to hell
If not my redemption.

I closed myself to the world and shut myself in my own
It’s easier to build walls and mask emotions,
Making sure to never let my guard down
It’s better to push people away than to let them in
Just so they can leave with everything you gave them,
Leaving you empty at the end.
I do self preservation to avoid getting hurt
I run away instead of facing my fears
Someday, I’ll have to admit it to somebody
but for now I’ll push the darkness inside where it belongs,
Try to push it farther down where it can’t hurt anyone else,
It’s safer that way within my walls
Walls to hell

~Misfit ~

The darkness of night gives away to the light of the morning
Day turns into night. Night to day.
Nothing comes. Nothing goes.
I feel lonely tonight
Many times in life I’ve felt lonely,
Intense loneliness as though I were here in life all alone
Sometimes I feel so alone, like no one cares.
People I know live in their own world,
While I live in mine
I want them to leave me alone,
And yet be part of their lives
Most of the time,they do leave me alone
And it gets pretty lonely.
Loneliness sucks. Literally and figuratively,
Drains the fight outta you
Sucks and snuffs the light and life outta you
Leaving just an empty
Of the person you were.

~Misfit ~